Epic Review -- 10,000 B.C. at 11:35 PM

So, I just saw 10,000 B.C.

I know, I know, I'm about 32 years late, but if you haven't seen it, you should. Its a good rental.

The Synopsis: Delay, a young mantuc hunter who doubles as a whiny little bitch starts fulfilling this old lady's prophecies and his tribe is all like, wtf? One day the tribe brings back this chick named Evanescence. The old lady Vulcan mind melds with her and sees some blurry shit and comes to the conclusion that four legged demons are gonna come and rape the village on the day of the last hunt. Delay, being full of emotions and hair and germs, falls in love with Evanescence the second he sees her. Everyone hates delay, on account of the fact that he's a bastard child who's mommy died giving birth to him because she couldn't handle raising such a little miserable failure and who's father betrayed and left the village for the same reason. So, Delay is left to be raised by Tic Tac, his father's life partner. Delay gets all old and is still in love with Evanescence but has to fulfill a prophecy to be able to get into her pants, or tunic, or whatever the hell they call those things. So, the day of the last hunt comes and delay kills the mantuc and everyone loves him but he didn't really kill it he just whined a lot until it died. He tells Tic Tac who in turn tells him that he needs to go fuck himself, because he's a lying whore. Then the next day, the four legged demons show up except they aren't four legged demons, they are just some guys on horses. They kill all these people and take a whole bunch back with them so they can have them as rape slaves or whatever and Tic Tac and Delay get all pissy and decide to run after them. So they and this other guy who is basically just cannon fodder, I think his name is Karen or something, start chasing after the four legged demons and chase them and chase them and chase them until they get attacked by some ostriches and then Tic Tac gets hurt and Karen dies or gets captured or something and Delay carries Tic Tac through the desert. While going through the desert Delay falls into a hole and finds this sweet ass epic tiger mount and saves it and he doesn't even ride it. I was all like WTF? Ride that shit into town and call it macaroni! But instead he just let it go. So he and Tic Tac come upon this village of black people and they all scream and point their sticks at them and then the Epic Tiger Mount comes and fulfills another prophecy and the black people are all like, wtf? So he and the black people get MORE black people who all chase down the four legged demon guys. But the four legged demon guys get on these boats and ride off and Delay whines like a little bitch but eventually gets to Egypt which is where they are taking the rape slaves. Delay and his band of merry men go to free all the slaves and get back Evanescence but the lead Egyptian guy is all like, woah there fella, I got your bitch. And Delay is all like, sure I'll let all these people become your slaves if you just give me back Evanescence. But then he changes his mind and throws a spear at the lead Egyptian guy all 300 style and it kills him and we find out he's just some fucking white dude instead of an alien like they led you to believe throughout the movie. Then Evanescence dies. But then she comes back to life again. But the old lady dies.

The End!

So, I basically told you everything that happens in the movie and most of the jokes will be funny after you watch it, but despite my statements about D'leh being a whiny bitch, the movie was actually pretty good, and the cg was gorgeous. Also, the ostrich scene was totally sweet. Jurassic Parke-esque you might even say. I can't wait for the sequel "10,000 B.C. 2: 10,020 B.C. Son of D'leh"