Know What? at 10:05 PM

So if you haven't noticed, we are trying to do a lot of things with slatfatf right now, but this post isn't about slatfat, it's about me.  It's about why I haven't been posting, why I've not been delivering on all my many promises about uploading and posting every day and programming and presenting tangible results.  Well I don't have many answers, but I'll try to make up a few.

1. I'm currently in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and it's really turning into something great, so I guess a lot of my time has been devoted to that (this makes Fenghar excessively uncomfortable, because I don't spend time with him anymore. Also, Fenghar is angered because I'm in a relationship with a woman instead of a man)
2. I'm a proud member of several private torrent trackers, and thus I have been spending a lot of bandwidth (in fact, all of my bandwidth. I was warned by  my ISP about overuse/copyright infringement) on those sites, instead of uploading for slatfat.
3. I've been very busy with school and such, I have a huge amount of writing to do, and lots of other things that I probably will not study nor ever use in my professional carreer. 
4. I have a lot of ideas and things that I want to do, and I've actually been doing them for once.  This hinders my slatfatf time greatly, since spare moments are given to other things, like my current screenplay/comic I'm writing with Fenghar.
5. I've been very busy not doing things on here

Yeah whatever.

Long time running at 11:21 AM

This is the first post I've made in a very long time, so in case our new readers don't know who I am, I'm the co-owner of this blog.  Basically, me and Fenghar have been best friends for three years or so, and we just write on this blog thing for kicks.  I actually primarily upload stuff and then paste the links.  I'm a huge pirate, belonging to over 40 private trackers, so lack of content to upload is never really an issue.

So if you are enjoying slatfatf, I recommend listening to our podcasts (all of which suck), watch our mogulus channel (which will soon be banned for copyrighted material), or just kick back and read some archived posts (also sucks).

I'll get to uploading today, so stay tuned.

Sorry at 12:38 AM

I'm real sorry about the lack of posts recently, since we usually update at least once a day. The main reason is that Fenghar The Nord, the other Author on this website, has been in New York on vacation. I don't know all the details, but he supposedly has to do some hard labor. I doubt he has computer access, so he's probably crying his eyes out in pain/lack of LCD exposure. I, on the other hand, am in beautiful St. Petersburg, Florida. It's pretty nice here, beaches, all that good stuff, but I've been here for 6 weeks, and it's time to go back home. Here are a few things I have been doing recently:

1. Learning PHP language code
2. watching the 3rd and 4th seasons of Battlestar Galactica
3. listening to several podcasts (I'm especially partial to the Galactica Quorum podcast)
4. buying the brakshow for 8 bucks, including shipping, on ebay
5. buying an nVidia 8400 card for 40 bucks (WIN!)
6. Beating half life 2 again
7. Playing every mod I possibly can for Half Life 2
8. playing Defcon (very fun indie game, recommend demo)
9. enjoying season 3 of venture bros
10. enjoying season 3 of tim and eric awesome show great job
11. watching ALL of the lord of the Rings extended cut films
12. not taking a shower every day
13. eating baklava
14. not shaving for 6 weeks (don't worry, I shaved yesterday)
15. not getting the score I wanted on the AP test (shit)
16. writing my 5th screenplay
17. falling in love
18. not reading
19. not uploading venture bros the day or next day of release
20. sitting on the beach

So there you have it. 20 things I have been doing.
Venture bros will be up in a while, maybe soon, maybe later. Just depends.
I'm tired, but my laundry isn't done.

New York! at 9:06 PM

Sometime around Friday morning I'll be in a car on the 3-4 hour drive to someplace in Kansas where I'll rally up with my cousin(I take point, he flank) and we get on some undetermined flight at some undetermined time and head off to somewhere around Wyoming County, New York where I'll begin a long and arduous 2 weeks of hard barnyard labor under the sharp and watchful eye of my grandpa. Why is all this happening, you say? Well, let me tell you a story that I just made up.

My mom is under the delusion that she is going to "break me". You see, it all started a 2 years ago. I was just a budding young flower of a girl, developing strange new "things" and "stuff" and leaking from places that I didn't even know I had. I was a young girl. A young girl in love. My mother didn't approve of my new "things" and "stuff". Often times I felt the sting of the lash on my tender back, till the red blood dripped freely insofar* raising welts as large as my index finger**. So I got a sex change. This made my mother quite a bit more furious so much so she exiled me from these lands, to forever wander the wastes in my endless search for the G.E.C.K.***

*For you, Cameron
**I'm reading The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass right now, if'n you can't tell by me borrowing his silly jargon...
***Obligatory Fallout reference

Damn You Google... AKA "Zombie Haiku..s..eses.." at 3:31 PM

BLARGH! Google makes me sad... I thought this whole "Zombie Haiku*" thing would be pretty original... Unfortunately, I was wrong. But, hey that won't stop me from posting some beautiful zombie haiku's!

Infection Spreading
The rage is taking over
I must find my son

Blood drops in my eye
"Jenny, get away from me"
Gun shot; Body falls

Creepy Soldiers are
All up ons mah woman and
That girl Jenny too

Zombie on a chain
"See if they die from hunger"
Says the leader guy

Crackle underfoot
My body stiffens in fear
The Zombies hear me

Low growl in the night
Pale eyes gleam in the moonlight
A zombie attacks

Spreads like a fire
Just as unpredictable
The virus unknown

When the sun goes down
The zombies are awakened
Now its killing time

Good information
The Zombie Survival Guide
A suggested read

I am Legend; Film
Slightly different plot line
Some weird Zompires

Something out of place
Frank has moved; "NO FRANK NO NO"
Zompire plotting

Short hair, tight clothes, strong
Got an A on Zombie quiz
Knowledge is power

Stabbing no effect;
Sever the head from body
Best way to kill them

Now I've been Cornered
The mob is surrounding me
I'm out of bullets

Pretty good, eh? All of those are orignal works copyright symbol me, Fenghar the Nord. Now, why don't you guys give it a shot and write some zombie haiku's of your own. Just post them in the comments to this post. Hell, why don't we make it a contest. I'll draw a fantabulous picture for and/or dedicate a post to the winner!

*They aren't actually Haikusesessses, they are Senryu's. Haiku's are serious and have to do with nature. Senryu's are like Haiku's but are usually funny/satirical and have to do with the human condition and stuff like that... IDK, DICTIONARY.COM IT, NOOB!

Raptor attacks at 10:02 AM

I'm getting fed up with all this raptor shit. Seriously guys, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all. Whats up with babies? And trees. I mean they grow vertical but have been known to grow sideways if the occasion arises. How does Voldemort breathe with that nose. I mean seriously, there has to be some kind of law against procuring shafts of metallic light so the gremlins don't crawl up under your covers and bite your toes. That would be almost as good as Jesus surfing on his light board, using the lance of longenensiss to explode the EVAs as the defeat angel 14. Mucho Gusto. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. CORRUPTION 32 PERCENT. BREAK OF NERV CENTERS. TOTAL FAILURE OF ALL OLFACTORY SENSORS. IRRELEVANT IRRELEVANT IRRELEVANT. LAUNCH EVA UNIT UNO. Por que? Donde es ta? AH! El gato in mi pantalones ist en fuego. MUY CALIENTE. Enough of this tomfoolery. Time to get down to business. Do you want to know what really happens when a man wants a woman and a woman wants a man and a woman and a man and a man all at the same time. THE SECOND FUCKING IMPACT THATS WHAT HAPPENS. You can't have terrene atoms and counterterrene atoms mixing with each other or stuff explodes. Chronos lives his life backwards which means he has to make himself go backwards to speak with normal people that live their lives forwards. But what if he was speaking to himself. Would he understand himself backwards to his forwards self or would the space time continueum Continuem Continuememum ESPLODE!? I haven't slept in 5348d0934 Hours. And 32 33 34 45 seconds. How much wood can a Master chief plasmaed at? I don't think so. Not until you finish your supper mister! But mom! I haven't re-routed the sub-ternal combustion hydrogenie to the extraterras mainframe of the Magi. CORRUPTION IS IMMMININET! Gendo, you must send out unit 1. NEVER, FOR I AM A DICKHOLE WITH A REALLY SWEET VOICE AND I DON'T TRY TO SAVE ANYONE BUT REI CUZ I"M A TOTAL PEDO LOL! What happens when corruption is complete. Do you become an angel? Or do you explode into confetti existing in such a way as to disrupt my bowels and make my bo-bo rumble in a not so pleasant way. Sprite tastes good liquid gold down my throat his love shaft throbbing deap into her honey nest makes for good time family fun for all. BOOM goes the dynamite and another shaka laka for the fellow in the red buquet. Frenchie frenchie frenchie frenchie frenchie. Have you ever levitated so hard that you can't feel your arms and yor mom is lie what are you doing? and you ar like nothing. And she is like areyou mastureabeatin and you are like no bitch stop steepping on my terriotry adn she coes in and you ahven no pants on and its all like
DISASTRUBATION!
Holy shiza this keyboard is horrible and deostn tnot rwork very well becauses its ckranmped and the letters feeels retareded to type but you can generally get the message that im' trying to convey buceause its not a messaged it s realy life GOdam nit i Hat the is kieyboardr.
God, i'm like a druncking uncfle sticking his finger where idt doesn't belong. int that place which is most sacred to all women and dchildren. Their pikachu. Squirtle squirlte. YEAAHH!! GO SQUIRTLE! UI have discovered new radioeactive isotrope but it is more voloatile than regular isotrope and has quaterlife instead of halfilfe so we must observe with hasty. And then. John was a zombie. Did you know that the kid who does that is actually a kid? Nooblet. Only noob kids right stupeid blags. about halflifes and doobms. Of course i'm a n adul't s so id ont' ahve to worry abogut writing my blags. Holy geezuz my drunken stuper is taking over. I no longer have th amount of willpower to resist the sleep depreaivation side-effects of reduced visabiltiy, naseua hardtbeurn dihaarrreah and stupidity.we the people of the united states of america in order to form a mor e prefect trusiotn eceided to freate the frree masons ar crazy coult of stanatists who want to take over the universer for benjamin frankiilihjng so he can harness his energey demons whichi s actually what he was doing with that stupid keay nath that stupid kite wash arnisessing energy tdemanos that he was tgonna bering to roosevelt who what ss his broghter at the time and he was like brothger hi have broguht you te h enregy demmans. now wes hatll afverntge mothers death by us be caues we wding't faollw the rules of alchemy and now she is a haomnnounculis nad mwe must fingd the philosphers stone to ssave her and ourselfves so we arnetg full -0metal but you must help me weith by hepleing me with the energy demans. and johna dmans is like hey that is raliell y good ide3a i get my brotgher samueal and we bameke beear but really we hepl with demans bear is just cover story for our rture intineions. and so samueal benjamain ajon and roosefvel t set out ona adventeru to be come o0pkemong masters and gcatch ime all. But they faild because misty was liek kgive me bmoneis for this bike or i get m yb frined brock hos is squicnty guty that matses teh bpokemonsz but is kinsda wiered because hwo does you mate pokemans? and jongh and benjamnain oare like wou ld you liked to sing this paper for our independance of the united nations from tteh indeian scheif who rules the creek nation coasingo in downtoanw tulsas? "Perhaps, if you offered inough gold for my coffersJ", says misty who was brusyhihgn her goledne blonde hari n th moonligts. and the johns and benjamin and samueal and roosevelt are like whoas we disdn'ts know yhou was a ghirl so wweis sorry for making fun of your face like that and she is like bitches doent knowabout myu priedleand and muffasssa raises his child in the air and looks him in the faice and says one day child. You shall be the true burger king and assume my throne as ronald the king mcdonald. but cymbah is liek "Nuh-uh, I'm gonna go kill the demans!". But mufassa doesn't understand and so he starts to cry a little but then gets angr4y and takes off his shirt and says mean things to cymbah but scyman is just a kid and doesn't undersatand and so mufassa hits him and cymabah understands because violcence is all he knows and so he is like "i'm gonna roun away" and mufoassa is like "not if I run away first!" and the y both run away to the edge of the water and teh ys wim out and are like "Hey lets go skinnydipping" but hther are shark demans in the watter and the come out of the watter very slowly and chompses their legs off and the shireiff is very angery but doesn't understand that its the works of demans. But Gendo Ikari does so he lanches eva unit one and is like "Son, you must kill the dmeans!" and shinkji is like "No, I am the demans!" adn Gendo is liek "Alright, uyse the dummy plug irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant!". And they suses the dummy bplu g and it is good for a while till it gets broked and gordan frreechman must ficx it. And a hadcrab cuzoms out and attakcs him and he is like "....." and the headcrab is like "Ah, I see we meet again Mr. Freeman, perhaps I can interest you in some chardonnay? How about some vintage cognac? Wine coolers? Anything? Are you thirsty at all?"
"....."
"Are you going to answer me or just give me blanks stares"
"...."
And gorndan gets his crowbarbv and hits teh headcrab on the face but teh headcrapb does not havea face and transports himoutside of body so he becomes zombie ghost and haunts the headcrap to death until it is diead and goes back to his body and is like
"....."
Then gordan goses and fietsgs some linaosn in the city 17 and the scientist guy on tyv is like "I'm gonna get your freanman" and the citizens are like "hurry freeeman thru heare" but the metro police are after heims and beat up on the pepolls and looks at frrecman and get very agnry and werbl3e twweep at hims but gordon doesn't saytingh so that makes them madder. I think I may have stayed up to long but now I'm to the point to where I'm not tired anymore but I can't focus on anythihgn and it is way toomuch efforet to actually do stuuf like backspaceing or not talking int stream of conciousonoess and my speeling is horrid but id on't kare because this keyboard is retarded and its mimposblib toiteol kdjs opisdj gji impossible to tyhepr very wiell cuz the mbuttons trip up my fingers. I haope iyou enjoyed this non sequitor because theree will porllyb e more in the futrure when i'm in states of mass hysteria like this and can't think straight and feel ilkng tiyhpen like a redtard. argk

Ha Ha Now That's Funny! at 3:44 PM

A small Explanation for you, upon the fortnight...
I haven't done the story yet because of school stuff. I'll probably have it posted tomorrow or something. Anyways, here are some hilarious jokes that make me Roll-On-The-Floor-Laughing-My-Ass-Off!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Aids.
......
Wha- What?
You have Aids...
I-
You're going to die.
A Doctor, A Nurse, and the Chief of Surgery walk into the room.
The Doctor tells his patient that he has aids and that he is going to die.
The Nurse tells him that it is going to be painless and that she'll help him through the hard times.
The Chief of Surgery says that he has cancer as well.
The Patient says "Cancer? I thought you said AIDS!
The Chief of Surgery says, "You have both, and you only have 2 weeks to live."
"Oh," says the patient.
Knock Knock
"Who's There?"
"Death"
"Death who?"
"The incarnation of Death, I'm here to take you to the other side."
"But the doctor said I have two weeks!?"
"I assumed that the deterioration wouldn't be so quick," said the doctor.
"You know what assuming does?" Said Death Incarnate,"It makes an ASS outta U and ME...

Wasn't that the most hilarious joke you have ever heard? Here are some more jokes that make me laugh-out-loud!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.

Why did the chicken cross the road
Because he wanted to die.

A Son, A Wife, and Chris Benoit walk into a bar...

Hyper-Belly (A Story of Exaggeration) at 6:46 PM

A small explanation for you, upon the fortnight. This is a story that shall start a series of stories that I hope will be posted on Mondays, however with my, um..."Busy Schedule" this set up may or may not happen. However, I can assure you that I will be writing more of these novellas in the future and they will pretty much follow the same theme. However However, if you email me at FengharTheNord@gmail.com with a special suggestion I'm sure I can cook you up a magnificent feast of the mind, body, and soul. Or you can just email me for suggestions about anything or just to say hi or chat or virus or free online game or porn. Whatever you feel like emailing me about. I'm lonely

NOW READ

"...I enjoy long walks on the beach and Turtleneck Sweaters."
There was a long silence. Jerry shifted uneasily in his chair and made an almost unnoticeable whimper as he tried to swallow the frog in his throat.
Finally, the businessman spoke for the first time during the entire interview.
"Turtlenecks, eh?"
Jarry grunted in affirmation.
There was a slight change in the businessman's expression that lasted only an instant. A sort of twitch of the corner of his mouth. Unfortunately Jgarry didn't notice this, nor did he notice how the Businessman was looking at him now. How he was undressing him with his eyes.
Of course Jgherri didn't notice this on account of his mild retardation and like of turtleneck sweaters...
"You'll do" said the Businessman, his features growing ever sterner.
There was a loud pop and a small blue can rolled into the the small white room they were sitting in. The Businessman now allowed a full smile to creep across his face as he slowly placed his briefcase on the table before him. The room began to slowly fill with grey noxious smoke that smelled like homeless people. As Ghjeriry's vision started to blur he was able to make out the rough shape of a gas mask on the Businessman's face...
He was also able to make out that the Businessman was standing now and that he was slowly unzipping his pants...
That was about the time nJ'rryie passed out...
When he awoke he found himself naked and chained to a cold concrete slab in the middle of a cold concrete room that was a part of a cold concrete research facility a couple and a half miles under the cold concrete foundation of Opossum city. There were quite a few syringes scattered about the are that Should have warned tpGa'riynm to be careful, but once again his mild retardation and passion for turtleneck sweaters(Which happened to be lying about the room in various colors and states of mis-use) got the better of him.
Kevin was appalled.
"How could anyone do that to a sweater" He thought to himself.
Several of the sweaters were covered in human excrement(and other bodily fluids that I'd rather not go into detail about). Dereck was determined to break free of his bonds and save the sweaters. Pulling and Yanking and Thrashing his way free, he managed only to tire himself. The chains were too strong and his frustration got the better of him and he slammed his head back down on the slab.
Nothing.
He didn't feel a thing!
Just then the chains turned into water and he floated inside an enormous technicolor bunny which proceeded to explode into a thousand chests full to the brim with curdled milk. Jalepenos pelted him from all sides and he was pulled under the tide of a sea of meat product and refried beans. Gasping for air he became a dolphin existing entirely on a seperate plane but parallel to his own mind's wisdom. Passion fruit explodes and Mountain Dew streams down all over his body. The current of his heart moans burst forth onto erotically tailored sweaters and whole universes were destroyed as his lungs filled a single breathe. One tear rolled down the camel's face and the blue man exploded tearing the fabrics of reality.
Sweaters were the only thing left.
Beautiful Turtleneck sweaters caressing his body and mind and soul.
Back in the real world Twyitina was experiencing what is known as a "Concussion".
When he came to he found that he was no longer chained to the slab and that he had a burning desire to "relieve" himself in more ways than one might think. Barely able to contain the fluids and solids that were ready to burst forth he was desperate to find a solution. Screaming in agonizing pain, he could feel his kidneys and liver and all those other mushy things inside our bodies that deal with stuff that goes "out" begin to rip and tear. In the nick of time a small tube just large enough for a standard naval issue 100% cotton turtleneck sweater to fit through came down out of the cold concrete ceiling.
A small cheerful diddy played and out popped a nice, warm, fresh, standard naval issue 100% cotton turtleneck sweater.
Honda knew what he had to do....



In a cold concrete room behind locked doors in a closed hall in a sealed off sector of a quarantined area of the cold concrete research facility a couple and a half miles below the cold concrete foundation of opossum city a man in a plain white lab coat was sitting in front of a one way mirror with only a tape recorder and a small circular red button by his side. He clicked the record button, pausing a moment, reflecting on the situation, before he spoke.
"Test number 17...Success."
"Test subject undergone thorough examination."
"All required data has been gathered."
"Test subject's termination at 16:34."
He set down the tape recorder and looked at his watch.
3
2
1
His finger came down on the small red button...

TO BE CONTINUED!

Pictures! at 6:18 PM

Now as a lot of you don't know, I love making pictures...
Unfortunately my picture creating skills are limited to creepy pictures created on that MS Paint-like application that comes along with your free download of Windows Live Messenger...

Of course there are a variety of tools out there to use, each tailored to a person's respective "skill-level"...

Betcha think I'm gonna go off on a review rant about different media editing applications and whatnot?

Well, I'm not...

This is about me and my creepy drawings, so you can just stuff it!

Now I want you to understand that all my pictures are original and some may be offensive...
If you find that my pictures are offensive to you in any way click the little boxed "x" in the top right of your browser window and never return to this site again because...

BITCHES DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY PRIDELAND!

The first picture for your viewing pleasure is part of a series...

Ack, why is it such a pain to upload and place images in this god danged rich text editor!

Here's the second in the series...

Like I said...

This stuff can get offensive...

I know there are a lot of Bear-hate groups out there that don't appreciate seeing naked bear people...

Here's some more...

Now I don't quite remember which parody was done by who but we can safely say they are all my idea and I created them and all credit should go to me not Zaphod.

And finally the last in the bear-friend series...

My bear friend like to climb trees...

-FengharTheNord