Yeah yeah, it's that special time of year again. The birds are singing, the children are laughing, and oh yeah, my thumbs are bleeding. Video games. Everyone loves em, 'cept for bitches, but dey don no shit, ma. Anywho, Here are a few of my favorite Horror games. Played em all, love em all. listed in order of least scary to most scary.
Fatal Frame:
Sure, running around as a little girl with a camera is fun, but when there are demons involved, count me out. This little bitch is one tough cookie. The game itself was pretty scary, but the main character was just too distant. I couldn't connect with a small japanese girl. Except with my sweet sweet love.
Dead Rising:
Not exactly a horror game, but shut up. I played this game for so many hours, I actually had dreams about it, which is unusual for action games. This game was pretty fun, and I know Fenghar doesn't believe that I got the mega buster, but he can go fuck himself. I did.
Ass.
Resident Evil 4:
This game was mediocre on scary....ness... it felt especially dry in that area. But the rest of the game was no doubt epic. I basically pooped on the first mission when I felt the new barricade system.
Resident Evil 1:
The original resident evils were pretty good. The first was definitely the best of all. Taking place in the famed mansion, the game was action packed, had a few good scares, and some interesting puzzles.
Siren:
Never heard of this one? Too bad. One word describes this game, EPIC. The scare factor was off the frackin charts. You basically solved puzzles by looking through the eyes of the zombies, using telepathy. The zombies in this game were horrific, causing numerous bed wetting incidents among fans.
Dino Crisis:
One of my all time favorite games for the psx, I played this at my dad's house. I remember my brother buying it (much older than me) and my dad said i couldn't play that game. But I did anyways. I remember how scary it was walking down a hall, and at the end of it, you see a raptor cross the intersection. EEEK
Silent Hill origins
A great great game. Loved it for the psp, super scare factor, very very horrific. It basically took the portable horror genre to new limits. Raised the bar.
Silent hill 4
Haven't played this yet. Wow though, just look at that preview.
Silent hill 1
OF course this had to be on here. What did you think? For the psx originally, but has been ported to other systems. The graphics are still choppy as hell, and it is slow to get moving, but once it does, wowie.
Silent hill 2
I love this game. Still haven't beaten it, but man is it fun. Better than the original, the story is incredible. Love and stuff. You know. Also the best video ever.
I'm jonesing for a zombie flick and/or game. Seriously, last night I even had a dream I was playing/living Left4Dead. I can't take this sexual fru- err, zombie anxiety much longer. Seriously. Someone, somewhere needs to make a halfway decent zombie flick and/or game. I'M DYING HERE. Or, someone could, I don't know, unleash a zombie virus on the world and effectively create a holocaust that would eleminate 97% of the world's population, completely relieving most, if not all, political, social, climate, and economic pressures and allowing for a new World government headed by the most badass of badass zombie hunters. That would make me just as happy. Fuck, I want to kill or watch people get killed/kill some zombies.
Please Disregard this post and scroll down to something more relevant and interesting like Zaphod's Dream analysis or my Zombie Haiku.
Please Disregard this post and scroll down to something more relevant and interesting like Zaphod's Dream analysis or my Zombie Haiku.
This is my dream, you can tell me about yours in the comment section.
I sit in my living room on my sofa, looking directly across the room at the windows on either side of our fireplace. As I look at them, through the blinds I can just barely see someone walking in my back yard. I become frightened and move towards the window, to get a better look. When I pull down the blind, I see a rather large man's face staring back at me, and for some reason, he resembled one of the 3 stooges in my mind. As he is looking at me, I open my mouth to scream, but nothing happens. I run back to the couch. Suddenly, something that makes no sense happens; the blinds are now on his side of the window, and he can now look at me through the blinds. Then, eventually the blinds are gone, a completely exposed window. And finally, the window is gone. He walks towards me. Right as I can see his face, I wake up.
I have had the above dream a total of 4 times. Each time, they end in the same way. The last time I had the dream, about a week ago, I tried to make it lucid. Having a lucid dream means you "know" it's a dream, and you can move around and have your own free will in the dream. I knew it was a dream when I saw the man in the backyard through the window. I tried to run to my room this time, but when I reached my door, he was there.
I feel like this dream has something to do with my weight. I'm not a morbidly obese person, but I am pretty big, and my poor health has always been a subconscious worry of mine. The man is always very large, and for some reason, I can never run from him. Yeah.
So post your dreams, and I can analyze them, although I'm not a licensed professional, I have read Freud's Interpretation of Dreams, so that's something right?
I sit in my living room on my sofa, looking directly across the room at the windows on either side of our fireplace. As I look at them, through the blinds I can just barely see someone walking in my back yard. I become frightened and move towards the window, to get a better look. When I pull down the blind, I see a rather large man's face staring back at me, and for some reason, he resembled one of the 3 stooges in my mind. As he is looking at me, I open my mouth to scream, but nothing happens. I run back to the couch. Suddenly, something that makes no sense happens; the blinds are now on his side of the window, and he can now look at me through the blinds. Then, eventually the blinds are gone, a completely exposed window. And finally, the window is gone. He walks towards me. Right as I can see his face, I wake up.
I have had the above dream a total of 4 times. Each time, they end in the same way. The last time I had the dream, about a week ago, I tried to make it lucid. Having a lucid dream means you "know" it's a dream, and you can move around and have your own free will in the dream. I knew it was a dream when I saw the man in the backyard through the window. I tried to run to my room this time, but when I reached my door, he was there.
I feel like this dream has something to do with my weight. I'm not a morbidly obese person, but I am pretty big, and my poor health has always been a subconscious worry of mine. The man is always very large, and for some reason, I can never run from him. Yeah.
So post your dreams, and I can analyze them, although I'm not a licensed professional, I have read Freud's Interpretation of Dreams, so that's something right?
07 April 2008
BLARGH! Google makes me sad... I thought this whole "Zombie Haiku*" thing would be pretty original... Unfortunately, I was wrong. But, hey that won't stop me from posting some beautiful zombie haiku's!
Infection Spreading
The rage is taking over
I must find my son
Blood drops in my eye
"Jenny, get away from me"
Gun shot; Body falls
Creepy Soldiers are
All up ons mah woman and
That girl Jenny too
Zombie on a chain
"See if they die from hunger"
Says the leader guy
Crackle underfoot
My body stiffens in fear
The Zombies hear me
Low growl in the night
Pale eyes gleam in the moonlight
A zombie attacks
Spreads like a fire
Just as unpredictable
The virus unknown
When the sun goes down
The zombies are awakened
Now its killing time
Good information
The Zombie Survival Guide
A suggested read
I am Legend; Film
Slightly different plot line
Some weird Zompires
Something out of place
Frank has moved; "NO FRANK NO NO"
Zompire plotting
Short hair, tight clothes, strong
Got an A on Zombie quiz
Knowledge is power
Stabbing no effect;
Sever the head from body
Best way to kill them
Now I've been Cornered
The mob is surrounding me
I'm out of bullets
Pretty good, eh? All of those are orignal works copyright symbol me, Fenghar the Nord. Now, why don't you guys give it a shot and write some zombie haiku's of your own. Just post them in the comments to this post. Hell, why don't we make it a contest. I'll draw a fantabulous picture for and/or dedicate a post to the winner!
*They aren't actually Haikusesessses, they are Senryu's. Haiku's are serious and have to do with nature. Senryu's are like Haiku's but are usually funny/satirical and have to do with the human condition and stuff like that... IDK, DICTIONARY.COM IT, NOOB!
The rage is taking over
I must find my son
Blood drops in my eye
"Jenny, get away from me"
Gun shot; Body falls
Creepy Soldiers are
All up ons mah woman and
That girl Jenny too
Zombie on a chain
"See if they die from hunger"
Says the leader guy
Crackle underfoot
My body stiffens in fear
The Zombies hear me
Low growl in the night
Pale eyes gleam in the moonlight
A zombie attacks
Spreads like a fire
Just as unpredictable
The virus unknown
When the sun goes down
The zombies are awakened
Now its killing time
Good information
The Zombie Survival Guide
A suggested read
I am Legend; Film
Slightly different plot line
Some weird Zompires
Something out of place
Frank has moved; "NO FRANK NO NO"
Zompire plotting
Short hair, tight clothes, strong
Got an A on Zombie quiz
Knowledge is power
Stabbing no effect;
Sever the head from body
Best way to kill them
Now I've been Cornered
The mob is surrounding me
I'm out of bullets
Pretty good, eh? All of those are orignal works copyright symbol me, Fenghar the Nord. Now, why don't you guys give it a shot and write some zombie haiku's of your own. Just post them in the comments to this post. Hell, why don't we make it a contest. I'll draw a fantabulous picture for and/or dedicate a post to the winner!
*They aren't actually Haikusesessses, they are Senryu's. Haiku's are serious and have to do with nature. Senryu's are like Haiku's but are usually funny/satirical and have to do with the human condition and stuff like that... IDK, DICTIONARY.COM IT, NOOB!
01 April 2008
Well, not really. We're going to turn in my old 360 for a new'n on account of the fact that the disc tray is a little brat and doesn't open all the time. However, because of my mom's strange spending habits, I might just be getting an Elite, but that's doubtful. If I were actually worth being part of the blogging community I'd take some nice little pictures for you, and upload them, showing my old Xbox compared to my new'n. Unfortunately, I'm poor. And a loser. So the only camera I own is a cute, pink, little plastic disney princess camera that I got half-off at Wal-mart...
Also, once I get my new Xbox, I'm going to steal Zaphod's idea and do a blog detailing the adventures of my character in Elderscrolls III: Morrowind. Booh Yah!
And OMG I'm gonna have to spend another fracking 5 hours of my life trying to get that piece-o-crap zombie genocider achievement on Dead Rising. But daddy sure does love his mega buster. Oh yes he does.
Also, once I get my new Xbox, I'm going to steal Zaphod's idea and do a blog detailing the adventures of my character in Elderscrolls III: Morrowind. Booh Yah!
And OMG I'm gonna have to spend another fracking 5 hours of my life trying to get that piece-o-crap zombie genocider achievement on Dead Rising. But daddy sure does love his mega buster. Oh yes he does.
27 March 2008
I'm getting fed up with all this raptor shit. Seriously guys, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all. Whats up with babies? And trees. I mean they grow vertical but have been known to grow sideways if the occasion arises. How does Voldemort breathe with that nose. I mean seriously, there has to be some kind of law against procuring shafts of metallic light so the gremlins don't crawl up under your covers and bite your toes. That would be almost as good as Jesus surfing on his light board, using the lance of longenensiss to explode the EVAs as the defeat angel 14. Mucho Gusto. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. CORRUPTION 32 PERCENT. BREAK OF NERV CENTERS. TOTAL FAILURE OF ALL OLFACTORY SENSORS. IRRELEVANT IRRELEVANT IRRELEVANT. LAUNCH EVA UNIT UNO. Por que? Donde es ta? AH! El gato in mi pantalones ist en fuego. MUY CALIENTE. Enough of this tomfoolery. Time to get down to business. Do you want to know what really happens when a man wants a woman and a woman wants a man and a woman and a man and a man all at the same time. THE SECOND FUCKING IMPACT THATS WHAT HAPPENS. You can't have terrene atoms and counterterrene atoms mixing with each other or stuff explodes. Chronos lives his life backwards which means he has to make himself go backwards to speak with normal people that live their lives forwards. But what if he was speaking to himself. Would he understand himself backwards to his forwards self or would the space time continueum Continuem Continuememum ESPLODE!? I haven't slept in 5348d0934 Hours. And 32 33 34 45 seconds. How much wood can a Master chief plasmaed at? I don't think so. Not until you finish your supper mister! But mom! I haven't re-routed the sub-ternal combustion hydrogenie to the extraterras mainframe of the Magi. CORRUPTION IS IMMMININET! Gendo, you must send out unit 1. NEVER, FOR I AM A DICKHOLE WITH A REALLY SWEET VOICE AND I DON'T TRY TO SAVE ANYONE BUT REI CUZ I"M A TOTAL PEDO LOL! What happens when corruption is complete. Do you become an angel? Or do you explode into confetti existing in such a way as to disrupt my bowels and make my bo-bo rumble in a not so pleasant way. Sprite tastes good liquid gold down my throat his love shaft throbbing deap into her honey nest makes for good time family fun for all. BOOM goes the dynamite and another shaka laka for the fellow in the red buquet. Frenchie frenchie frenchie frenchie frenchie. Have you ever levitated so hard that you can't feel your arms and yor mom is lie what are you doing? and you ar like nothing. And she is like areyou mastureabeatin and you are like no bitch stop steepping on my terriotry adn she coes in and you ahven no pants on and its all like
DISASTRUBATION!
Holy shiza this keyboard is horrible and deostn tnot rwork very well becauses its ckranmped and the letters feeels retareded to type but you can generally get the message that im' trying to convey buceause its not a messaged it s realy life GOdam nit i Hat the is kieyboardr.
God, i'm like a druncking uncfle sticking his finger where idt doesn't belong. int that place which is most sacred to all women and dchildren. Their pikachu. Squirtle squirlte. YEAAHH!! GO SQUIRTLE! UI have discovered new radioeactive isotrope but it is more voloatile than regular isotrope and has quaterlife instead of halfilfe so we must observe with hasty. And then. John was a zombie. Did you know that the kid who does that is actually a kid? Nooblet. Only noob kids right stupeid blags. about halflifes and doobms. Of course i'm a n adul't s so id ont' ahve to worry abogut writing my blags. Holy geezuz my drunken stuper is taking over. I no longer have th amount of willpower to resist the sleep depreaivation side-effects of reduced visabiltiy, naseua hardtbeurn dihaarrreah and stupidity.we the people of the united states of america in order to form a mor e prefect trusiotn eceided to freate the frree masons ar crazy coult of stanatists who want to take over the universer for benjamin frankiilihjng so he can harness his energey demons whichi s actually what he was doing with that stupid keay nath that stupid kite wash arnisessing energy tdemanos that he was tgonna bering to roosevelt who what ss his broghter at the time and he was like brothger hi have broguht you te h enregy demmans. now wes hatll afverntge mothers death by us be caues we wding't faollw the rules of alchemy and now she is a haomnnounculis nad mwe must fingd the philosphers stone to ssave her and ourselfves so we arnetg full -0metal but you must help me weith by hepleing me with the energy demans. and johna dmans is like hey that is raliell y good ide3a i get my brotgher samueal and we bameke beear but really we hepl with demans bear is just cover story for our rture intineions. and so samueal benjamain ajon and roosefvel t set out ona adventeru to be come o0pkemong masters and gcatch ime all. But they faild because misty was liek kgive me bmoneis for this bike or i get m yb frined brock hos is squicnty guty that matses teh bpokemonsz but is kinsda wiered because hwo does you mate pokemans? and jongh and benjamnain oare like wou ld you liked to sing this paper for our independance of the united nations from tteh indeian scheif who rules the creek nation coasingo in downtoanw tulsas? "Perhaps, if you offered inough gold for my coffersJ", says misty who was brusyhihgn her goledne blonde hari n th moonligts. and the johns and benjamin and samueal and roosevelt are like whoas we disdn'ts know yhou was a ghirl so wweis sorry for making fun of your face like that and she is like bitches doent knowabout myu priedleand and muffasssa raises his child in the air and looks him in the faice and says one day child. You shall be the true burger king and assume my throne as ronald the king mcdonald. but cymbah is liek "Nuh-uh, I'm gonna go kill the demans!". But mufassa doesn't understand and so he starts to cry a little but then gets angr4y and takes off his shirt and says mean things to cymbah but scyman is just a kid and doesn't undersatand and so mufassa hits him and cymabah understands because violcence is all he knows and so he is like "i'm gonna roun away" and mufoassa is like "not if I run away first!" and the y both run away to the edge of the water and teh ys wim out and are like "Hey lets go skinnydipping" but hther are shark demans in the watter and the come out of the watter very slowly and chompses their legs off and the shireiff is very angery but doesn't understand that its the works of demans. But Gendo Ikari does so he lanches eva unit one and is like "Son, you must kill the dmeans!" and shinkji is like "No, I am the demans!" adn Gendo is liek "Alright, uyse the dummy plug irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant!". And they suses the dummy bplu g and it is good for a while till it gets broked and gordan frreechman must ficx it. And a hadcrab cuzoms out and attakcs him and he is like "....." and the headcrab is like "Ah, I see we meet again Mr. Freeman, perhaps I can interest you in some chardonnay? How about some vintage cognac? Wine coolers? Anything? Are you thirsty at all?"
"....."
"Are you going to answer me or just give me blanks stares"
"...."
And gorndan gets his crowbarbv and hits teh headcrab on the face but teh headcrapb does not havea face and transports himoutside of body so he becomes zombie ghost and haunts the headcrap to death until it is diead and goes back to his body and is like
"....."
Then gordan goses and fietsgs some linaosn in the city 17 and the scientist guy on tyv is like "I'm gonna get your freanman" and the citizens are like "hurry freeeman thru heare" but the metro police are after heims and beat up on the pepolls and looks at frrecman and get very agnry and werbl3e twweep at hims but gordon doesn't saytingh so that makes them madder. I think I may have stayed up to long but now I'm to the point to where I'm not tired anymore but I can't focus on anythihgn and it is way toomuch efforet to actually do stuuf like backspaceing or not talking int stream of conciousonoess and my speeling is horrid but id on't kare because this keyboard is retarded and its mimposblib toiteol kdjs opisdj gji impossible to tyhepr very wiell cuz the mbuttons trip up my fingers. I haope iyou enjoyed this non sequitor because theree will porllyb e more in the futrure when i'm in states of mass hysteria like this and can't think straight and feel ilkng tiyhpen like a redtard. argk
DISASTRUBATION!
Holy shiza this keyboard is horrible and deostn tnot rwork very well becauses its ckranmped and the letters feeels retareded to type but you can generally get the message that im' trying to convey buceause its not a messaged it s realy life GOdam nit i Hat the is kieyboardr.
God, i'm like a druncking uncfle sticking his finger where idt doesn't belong. int that place which is most sacred to all women and dchildren. Their pikachu. Squirtle squirlte. YEAAHH!! GO SQUIRTLE! UI have discovered new radioeactive isotrope but it is more voloatile than regular isotrope and has quaterlife instead of halfilfe so we must observe with hasty. And then. John was a zombie. Did you know that the kid who does that is actually a kid? Nooblet. Only noob kids right stupeid blags. about halflifes and doobms. Of course i'm a n adul't s so id ont' ahve to worry abogut writing my blags. Holy geezuz my drunken stuper is taking over. I no longer have th amount of willpower to resist the sleep depreaivation side-effects of reduced visabiltiy, naseua hardtbeurn dihaarrreah and stupidity.we the people of the united states of america in order to form a mor e prefect trusiotn eceided to freate the frree masons ar crazy coult of stanatists who want to take over the universer for benjamin frankiilihjng so he can harness his energey demons whichi s actually what he was doing with that stupid keay nath that stupid kite wash arnisessing energy tdemanos that he was tgonna bering to roosevelt who what ss his broghter at the time and he was like brothger hi have broguht you te h enregy demmans. now wes hatll afverntge mothers death by us be caues we wding't faollw the rules of alchemy and now she is a haomnnounculis nad mwe must fingd the philosphers stone to ssave her and ourselfves so we arnetg full -0metal but you must help me weith by hepleing me with the energy demans. and johna dmans is like hey that is raliell y good ide3a i get my brotgher samueal and we bameke beear but really we hepl with demans bear is just cover story for our rture intineions. and so samueal benjamain ajon and roosefvel t set out ona adventeru to be come o0pkemong masters and gcatch ime all. But they faild because misty was liek kgive me bmoneis for this bike or i get m yb frined brock hos is squicnty guty that matses teh bpokemonsz but is kinsda wiered because hwo does you mate pokemans? and jongh and benjamnain oare like wou ld you liked to sing this paper for our independance of the united nations from tteh indeian scheif who rules the creek nation coasingo in downtoanw tulsas? "Perhaps, if you offered inough gold for my coffersJ", says misty who was brusyhihgn her goledne blonde hari n th moonligts. and the johns and benjamin and samueal and roosevelt are like whoas we disdn'ts know yhou was a ghirl so wweis sorry for making fun of your face like that and she is like bitches doent knowabout myu priedleand and muffasssa raises his child in the air and looks him in the faice and says one day child. You shall be the true burger king and assume my throne as ronald the king mcdonald. but cymbah is liek "Nuh-uh, I'm gonna go kill the demans!". But mufassa doesn't understand and so he starts to cry a little but then gets angr4y and takes off his shirt and says mean things to cymbah but scyman is just a kid and doesn't undersatand and so mufassa hits him and cymabah understands because violcence is all he knows and so he is like "i'm gonna roun away" and mufoassa is like "not if I run away first!" and the y both run away to the edge of the water and teh ys wim out and are like "Hey lets go skinnydipping" but hther are shark demans in the watter and the come out of the watter very slowly and chompses their legs off and the shireiff is very angery but doesn't understand that its the works of demans. But Gendo Ikari does so he lanches eva unit one and is like "Son, you must kill the dmeans!" and shinkji is like "No, I am the demans!" adn Gendo is liek "Alright, uyse the dummy plug irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant!". And they suses the dummy bplu g and it is good for a while till it gets broked and gordan frreechman must ficx it. And a hadcrab cuzoms out and attakcs him and he is like "....." and the headcrab is like "Ah, I see we meet again Mr. Freeman, perhaps I can interest you in some chardonnay? How about some vintage cognac? Wine coolers? Anything? Are you thirsty at all?"
"....."
"Are you going to answer me or just give me blanks stares"
"...."
And gorndan gets his crowbarbv and hits teh headcrab on the face but teh headcrapb does not havea face and transports himoutside of body so he becomes zombie ghost and haunts the headcrap to death until it is diead and goes back to his body and is like
"....."
Then gordan goses and fietsgs some linaosn in the city 17 and the scientist guy on tyv is like "I'm gonna get your freanman" and the citizens are like "hurry freeeman thru heare" but the metro police are after heims and beat up on the pepolls and looks at frrecman and get very agnry and werbl3e twweep at hims but gordon doesn't saytingh so that makes them madder. I think I may have stayed up to long but now I'm to the point to where I'm not tired anymore but I can't focus on anythihgn and it is way toomuch efforet to actually do stuuf like backspaceing or not talking int stream of conciousonoess and my speeling is horrid but id on't kare because this keyboard is retarded and its mimposblib toiteol kdjs opisdj gji impossible to tyhepr very wiell cuz the mbuttons trip up my fingers. I haope iyou enjoyed this non sequitor because theree will porllyb e more in the futrure when i'm in states of mass hysteria like this and can't think straight and feel ilkng tiyhpen like a redtard. argk
21 March 2008
A small Explanation for you, upon the fortnight...
I haven't done the story yet because of school stuff. I'll probably have it posted tomorrow or something. Anyways, here are some hilarious jokes that make me Roll-On-The-Floor-Laughing-My-Ass-Off!
I haven't done the story yet because of school stuff. I'll probably have it posted tomorrow or something. Anyways, here are some hilarious jokes that make me Roll-On-The-Floor-Laughing-My-Ass-Off!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Aids.
......
Wha- What?
You have Aids...
I-
You're going to die.
A Doctor, A Nurse, and the Chief of Surgery walk into the room.
The Doctor tells his patient that he has aids and that he is going to die.
The Nurse tells him that it is going to be painless and that she'll help him through the hard times.
The Chief of Surgery says that he has cancer as well.
The Patient says "Cancer? I thought you said AIDS!
The Chief of Surgery says, "You have both, and you only have 2 weeks to live."
"Oh," says the patient.
Knock Knock
"Who's There?"
"Death"
"Death who?"
"The incarnation of Death, I'm here to take you to the other side."
"But the doctor said I have two weeks!?"
"I assumed that the deterioration wouldn't be so quick," said the doctor.
"You know what assuming does?" Said Death Incarnate,"It makes an ASS outta U and ME...
Wasn't that the most hilarious joke you have ever heard? Here are some more jokes that make me laugh-out-loud!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.
Why did the chicken cross the road
Because he wanted to die.
A Son, A Wife, and Chris Benoit walk into a bar...
Who's there?
Aids.
......
Wha- What?
You have Aids...
I-
You're going to die.
A Doctor, A Nurse, and the Chief of Surgery walk into the room.
The Doctor tells his patient that he has aids and that he is going to die.
The Nurse tells him that it is going to be painless and that she'll help him through the hard times.
The Chief of Surgery says that he has cancer as well.
The Patient says "Cancer? I thought you said AIDS!
The Chief of Surgery says, "You have both, and you only have 2 weeks to live."
"Oh," says the patient.
Knock Knock
"Who's There?"
"Death"
"Death who?"
"The incarnation of Death, I'm here to take you to the other side."
"But the doctor said I have two weeks!?"
"I assumed that the deterioration wouldn't be so quick," said the doctor.
"You know what assuming does?" Said Death Incarnate,"It makes an ASS outta U and ME...
Wasn't that the most hilarious joke you have ever heard? Here are some more jokes that make me laugh-out-loud!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.
Why did the chicken cross the road
Because he wanted to die.
A Son, A Wife, and Chris Benoit walk into a bar...
05 March 2008
A small explanation for you, upon the fortnight. This is a story that shall start a series of stories that I hope will be posted on Mondays, however with my, um..."Busy Schedule" this set up may or may not happen. However, I can assure you that I will be writing more of these novellas in the future and they will pretty much follow the same theme. However However, if you email me at FengharTheNord@gmail.com with a special suggestion I'm sure I can cook you up a magnificent feast of the mind, body, and soul. Or you can just email me for suggestions about anything or just to say hi or chat or virus or free online game or porn. Whatever you feel like emailing me about. I'm lonely
NOW READ
NOW READ
"...I enjoy long walks on the beach and Turtleneck Sweaters."
There was a long silence. Jerry shifted uneasily in his chair and made an almost unnoticeable whimper as he tried to swallow the frog in his throat.
Finally, the businessman spoke for the first time during the entire interview.
"Turtlenecks, eh?"
Jarry grunted in affirmation.
There was a slight change in the businessman's expression that lasted only an instant. A sort of twitch of the corner of his mouth. Unfortunately Jgarry didn't notice this, nor did he notice how the Businessman was looking at him now. How he was undressing him with his eyes.
Of course Jgherri didn't notice this on account of his mild retardation and like of turtleneck sweaters...
"You'll do" said the Businessman, his features growing ever sterner.
There was a loud pop and a small blue can rolled into the the small white room they were sitting in. The Businessman now allowed a full smile to creep across his face as he slowly placed his briefcase on the table before him. The room began to slowly fill with grey noxious smoke that smelled like homeless people. As Ghjeriry's vision started to blur he was able to make out the rough shape of a gas mask on the Businessman's face...
He was also able to make out that the Businessman was standing now and that he was slowly unzipping his pants...
That was about the time nJ'rryie passed out...
When he awoke he found himself naked and chained to a cold concrete slab in the middle of a cold concrete room that was a part of a cold concrete research facility a couple and a half miles under the cold concrete foundation of Opossum city. There were quite a few syringes scattered about the are that Should have warned tpGa'riynm to be careful, but once again his mild retardation and passion for turtleneck sweaters(Which happened to be lying about the room in various colors and states of mis-use) got the better of him.
Kevin was appalled.
"How could anyone do that to a sweater" He thought to himself.
Several of the sweaters were covered in human excrement(and other bodily fluids that I'd rather not go into detail about). Dereck was determined to break free of his bonds and save the sweaters. Pulling and Yanking and Thrashing his way free, he managed only to tire himself. The chains were too strong and his frustration got the better of him and he slammed his head back down on the slab.
Nothing.
He didn't feel a thing!
Just then the chains turned into water and he floated inside an enormous technicolor bunny which proceeded to explode into a thousand chests full to the brim with curdled milk. Jalepenos pelted him from all sides and he was pulled under the tide of a sea of meat product and refried beans. Gasping for air he became a dolphin existing entirely on a seperate plane but parallel to his own mind's wisdom. Passion fruit explodes and Mountain Dew streams down all over his body. The current of his heart moans burst forth onto erotically tailored sweaters and whole universes were destroyed as his lungs filled a single breathe. One tear rolled down the camel's face and the blue man exploded tearing the fabrics of reality.
Sweaters were the only thing left.
Beautiful Turtleneck sweaters caressing his body and mind and soul.
Back in the real world Twyitina was experiencing what is known as a "Concussion".
When he came to he found that he was no longer chained to the slab and that he had a burning desire to "relieve" himself in more ways than one might think. Barely able to contain the fluids and solids that were ready to burst forth he was desperate to find a solution. Screaming in agonizing pain, he could feel his kidneys and liver and all those other mushy things inside our bodies that deal with stuff that goes "out" begin to rip and tear. In the nick of time a small tube just large enough for a standard naval issue 100% cotton turtleneck sweater to fit through came down out of the cold concrete ceiling.
A small cheerful diddy played and out popped a nice, warm, fresh, standard naval issue 100% cotton turtleneck sweater.
Honda knew what he had to do....
In a cold concrete room behind locked doors in a closed hall in a sealed off sector of a quarantined area of the cold concrete research facility a couple and a half miles below the cold concrete foundation of opossum city a man in a plain white lab coat was sitting in front of a one way mirror with only a tape recorder and a small circular red button by his side. He clicked the record button, pausing a moment, reflecting on the situation, before he spoke.
"Test number 17...Success."
"Test subject undergone thorough examination."
"All required data has been gathered."
"Test subject's termination at 16:34."
He set down the tape recorder and looked at his watch.
3
2
1
His finger came down on the small red button...
TO BE CONTINUED!
21 February 2008
As our faithful 3 viewers yearn for more and more content from slatfatf, besides our usual 1 post a month rate, we must expand. So now, we are presenting you with a video of the week. Typically, this will be funny, but sometimes serious. Just like life.
WARNING:
THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!
THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!
Have you ever wanted to be sexy? How about major sexy? Anybody ever wanted to be Brigadier General sexy? I know I have!
However for most Americans today it is becoming increasingly difficult for people to be sexy. With obesity and stupid at an all time high Americans just don't have the motivation to stay as healthy as they used to...
Fortunately there is hope on the horizon for you little boy. New Magic: The Gathering card sets are being released meaning max play time for great time gets! Of course, this has nothing to do with improving your sexy. In fact, its far from it. You will actually lose sexy levels by buying and playing this Magic: The Gathering card set...
But isn't family what Christmas is all about? Isn't it? Or is it the power hungry media corporation Jews trying to make you buy all their stuff so they get rich and spread their jewery!? I think not! Its about the love and happiness you get when you find out how little someone knows you!
Its also about watching House because Hugh Laurie is a man among men and among crippled men. And Dickholes. Them too. Anyways, House debuted on Fox on November 16 2004 and quickly became the best show on the planet. Of course shortly thereafter LOST aired and beat House to death with its giant throbbing Jesus stick...
Now lost is a special kind of show especially in the fact that it isn't a show. Its real life. Because everyone knows there is a secret island where you have to press a button ever 108 minutes to save the world... Of course they don't have to do that anymore because Charlie died because he was killed by kick-ass Mikhail or however the frack you spell his name...
Which reminds me of another show Battlestar Galactica. A show that seems to take years to finally get to the technically fourth season. I wanna know who the last of the cylons is god damnit and I want to know now! I also wanna know how Kara Thrace is gonna lead everyone to their doom... And how she came back FROM THE DEAD! That shit was crazy. Don't be a busta now! Us baller street grove OG's know what we are talking about.
Speaking of black people jargon I have recently "acquired" a copy of GTA III San Andreas and I love it to death. Shooting drug dealers and stealing cars has given me a new outlook on life. And since I'm an Impressionable Youth I enjoy imitating what I see on T.V. and play in Video Games. So I'm gonna go start a gang, get surgery to become black, steal cars, shoot people, and use violence in situations that don't normally call for it. I'm also gonna sing a song about being trapped in a closet, everyone getting aids, and pulling out my gun which I suppose is a metaphor for the current economic situation in china and the Political corruption in North Korea...
07 February 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)